“I am sure that God keeps no one in waiting unless He sees that it is good for them to wait.” -CS Lewis
So, I haven’t published anything for over a month.
In all honesty, I would call it embarrassment – or perhaps guilt – of a shaken faith. Spring quarter, I’ve thrown God question after question & doubt after doubt. I’ve been butting heads with The Big Man, & stumbling around with trust a lot more than I like to admit. These doubts & questions & stumbles have unfortunately caused me to be a little more timid about how much of my writing I’m willing to publish for the world to see.
Because gosh, why on God’s
green earth would anyone want to take advice about following Jesus from someone who continually fails to give up their pride & control? What right do I have to tell anyone how loving & merciful our creator is – when ninety-nine percent of the time I struggle to believe I am even “worthy enough” to call myself a daughter of God?
This month, I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be completely satisfied with who I am. It’s funny to think that thought is supposedly freeing. I am coming to terms with my humanness. (Yes, that’s a word 😉
I don’t think we can even begin to comprehend or accept God’s love until we realize the fact that we are flawed. What’s even stranger is, we were designed with so much love & purpose & intention – & yet for some reason designed with
flaws. A creator so great could’ve easily called it
good before throwing my annoying laugh & indecisiveness & crappy confidence into the picture. But for some reason He didn’t.
Truthfully, it does scare me to confront my flaws, insecurities, and doubts – because recognizing that I have imperfections just makes God’s grace all the more confusing.
But that’s the point. God’s grace is & will always be undeserved – & I think rather than sulking in the self pity of the belief that I am unworthy of His love, I should rejoice in the fact that God says I am worthy of being called his daughter – brokenness aside.
In a nutshell, this summer I’m praying that God teaches my the joys of being flawed. That by God’s grace – we get to embrace what makes us unique & special & talented rather than dwell on the things that may be imperfect. And that because we are imperfect, we get to dance through life with a relentlessly loving God whose crazy about our imperfect hearts.
Here’s a to summer about learning more about what it means to be a imperfectly perfect daughter of The King, & being brave enough to share the joy there is to be found in that.
Sounds like a party to me 🙂