A Lesson in Loneliness

“When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.” -Corrie Ten Boom

Single-ness is quite the sit-still experiment for me. God’s teaching me about who I am as an individual for the first time in a long time. I’m not sure if I’m proud of who that is yet.

Boy do I not have it as together in the faith department as I thought. As usual.

This month, my expectations of singleness have been completely slammed by the distance I have put between God and I. Honestly, I went into singleness excited – eager of the idea that being on my own would cause me to grow closer with God  – that I would automatically lean into him in loneliness and re-find my identity in Christ. My faith would move mountains with the snap of my fingers. Despite these expectations, my faith has taken a complete 180 degree turn the other way. Not feeling like anyone’s first choice, go-to, person dangles an emptiness in the back of my mind that taunts me – and tells me I need to try harder.

I have learned that I am not yet to a point where I am content with my identity. I forget that I am the first choice, go-to and chosen daughter of a God who calls me his masterpiece.  I am consumed by the need for other’s approval. I forget that I am already approved of, that wasting my time seeking approval from people is nothing more than a direct insult to my creator. A smack right in the face that says to God, “Thanks for making me in your image, choosing every unique thing about me, and wanting my heart. But …I think I’m going to try a little harder to become someone everyone else likes.”

Yeah, that’s probably what God wants to hear.

God says we don’t have to change who we are to be loved. That we are already His beloved. He declares that we are His masterpiece. That the mountains and the ocean and the sunset and our hearts are his masterpiece.

A masterpiece doesn’t need alterations or adjustments, just to remember what they were created for, and who they were created for.

Right now, I’m figuring out what I was created for. And I’ll be dancing around by myself for a while, but I think there’s a greater joy to be found in that. A joy God has waiting for me when I figure out what it means to be genuinely content in my identity as a daughter of The King.

“You can’t truly rest until every area in your life rests with God.” -A.W. Tozer

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