messy thoughts that won’t leave me alone

I don’t know what the meaning of life is.

My heart’s first reaction is God.

The meaning of life is God.

But I don’t really know what that means. I don’t really know who, or what, God is either.

Maybe the meaning of life is finding out who God is. Sometimes I think God is a person. Sometimes I think God lives inside a person. Or many people. Or perhaps, somewhere inside of everyone. This God who is with us and within us – I am convinced that He loves us beyond our capacity to understand. A radical type of love that is understanding, merciful, creative, and mysterious.

Or maybe the meaning of life is figuring out how to find God. Sometimes I think I’m nearest to God when I’m surrounded by brilliant emerald hills in Poly Canyon. But – I also feel nearest to God surrounded by people I love at a dinner table. I don’t think either of these places are insignificant. I see God in the intricacy of nature and the intimacy of relationships.

I am building who I am, and I’m finding perhaps she’s already built. I couldn’t tell you God’s exact intentions behind creating my quirky, loud, competitive, happy-go-lucky self, but I don’t think I’m supposed to know that.

Whoever this God is, I think we’re supposed to hope in Him. You can hope in people and you can hope in yourself and you can hope in the weather and in money and things money buys but I have found these things will let you down. Perhaps God will seem to let you down too sometimes. But I don’t think God intends to let us down. I think He must have plans so great that heartbreak and grief and failure might not be to scale with his timeline.

I want the rest of my life to act upon this hope. This hope discerns direction, it offers purpose. I think maybe that is where I will find the meaning of life.

“To be loved but not known is superficial. To be known but not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us, and strengthens us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” -Tim Keller

Morgan Harper Nichols

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