I am filled up, refreshed, and reminded of who I am created to be.

I thought God was bringing me home this weekend because my family needed me. But after a quick 2 days home it was clear I was the one who needed them so badly.

Sometimes my clearest communication with God feels a bit more like a smack in the face than a loving embrace, but hey, whatever you gotta do to get your point across big man. I am thankful for a wake up call. I am thankful for a last minute flight home that showed me an empty tank is not going to get me much farther.

What it probably sounds like is that I had the most unforgettable weekend of my life. Not exactly. Combine being home with three midterms and a project for the next week and you don’t get the type of timing God and I tend to agree on. Unfortunately, school doesn’t care when it’s your first time home in two months.

So I sat glued to the kitchen counter buried in books and crunching numbers for hours at a time.

Mind you, in a family of 6, the kitchen counter is not the most ideal place to do homework. Welcome to the headquarters of chaos. Try to digest the fundamentals of corporate finance or memorize intentional torts in the center of our loud, crazy mess.  I dare you.

But I would do it all again tomorrow. Even though frankly, I did not make any forever memories or do anything particularly spectacular in my 48 hours home.

That is the funny thing about family. Being a big sister is the most life-giving blessing.There is nothing my heart loves more than that loud, crazy mess. I care about that crazy bunch so wholeheartedly that just to be in the center of it all meant the world to me. My heart had been longing for nothing more than time to be present with my people.

I think that is where God is longing to be right now. In the center of my chaos. To be along for the ride, involved in the mess. To be present in the stress of school and hustle and bustle of this chaotic life.

I am guilty of putting God on the back burner. I am guilty of thinking I can handle life on my own.

There will always be a to do list that could consume my mind. As a self proclaimed go getter and “yes” sayer I think I’ve come to the conclusion that a light load simply is not in the books for this lifeti

me. And I think for the past few weeks I’ve tried to sit in the drivers seat of my always 100 miles per hour car.

I’m moving to shotgun. Wherever the heck the car is going. The fact of the matter is that the car is going to keep driving. Life will not stop just because I am overwhelmed. But I want God sitting at my kitchen counter. I want him to be in the hustle and bustle, sitting in my chaos headquarters.